Look, I get it. A bunch of web developers, recruiters, and vendors standing around in a room eating pizza or drinking beer and making small talk might sound like complete and utter death for you. There may be a million things you’d rather be doing. “Uhh, don’t I have a dentist appointment that day? At least then I won’t have to talk.”

I get it.

I’m an introvert, too. I get drained by being around people and often need what my own mother called “cave time.” Fortunately for me, I was forced to develop some networking skills and get very good at faking being an extrovert. Before I was a developer, when I was dirt broke, I got myself a job selling life insurance. The goal was to become a fee only financial planner, but I had to start at the bottom, and that meant sales. I had zero sales experience, and honestly had no idea how much I was going to be shoved out of my comfort zone.

I had no choice, though. If I stayed comfortable, I didn’t eat or pay rent.

Lucky for you, you don’t have to do that. If you’re looking for a better job, though, it’s a great idea to head to some tech events in your town or travel to conferences in order to build relationships with potential future employers. Sometimes great companies will contact you out of the blue, especially if you’ve become a high profile developer through an open source project or previous job. But when you’re looking for your first or second or third job, you may not have that luxury – you may only be contacted by recruiters for jobs that aren’t your first choice (to put it kindly). Most developers hate this side of things, and would rather do anything than interact with someone in real life in order to try to find work. It feels manipulative or scammy to them.

Here’s the truth: you can get what you need from these events without being awkward or creepy. Whether that’s job leads or important connections, there is a well-defined, time-tested way to accomplish this. It will push your limits, but it won’t leave you feeling gross inside. And the more you do it, the better you’ll get at it.

Our Goal

Our chief goal with networking events and conferences is simple: begin to build relationships with influencers at our dream companies. Who are influencers?

• Senior engineers
• Developer evangelists/community relations
• Recruiters
• Hiring managers

We want to meet these people in a way that is authentic and natural, and then follow up with them. Read that sentence again, because each piece is crucial – you are not trying to ask for a job at the event! You are starting to get to know someone and see if you’re a good fit, then over time ask for their help.

Okay, but I’m terrible at this. How do I change that?

Any type of change consists of two components:

• Your personal psychology
• Your skill set

The former is the hard part. Your previous experiences of awkwardness or embarrassment (or maybe even downright humiliation) have pounded in your head phrases like:

• “I am just no good at social interaction.”
• “I just don’t have confidence.”
• “I am soooo socially awkward.”

See how much “I” shows up in those? See how we identify with our experiences of pain or perceived failure? The major hurdle is overcoming those psychological barriers so you can start to perceive yourself as someone who is confident and in control of social situations. You may never enjoy them – and that is completely, 100% okay – but you will at least feel like you are competent. It’s kind of like my relationship with jQuery. I’ve used it a lot and am in competent in it, but I will never love writing a bunch of $ statements and manipulating my DOM with it.

So how do we actually change the psychology? We do it with actions that produce quick wins as you are building your skill set. The truth is, social skills (sometimes called “soft skills”) are just that: skills. And what are skills? A set of strategies, tactics, and processes you just learn, practice, and eventually master.

Think of Social Skills as a new programming language. There are a few core concepts to this language that may be new to you, but luckily, the syntax is actually way simpler than you might realize. The reason this subject seems so scary and overwhelming is that no one has taught you how to do it yet — it has nothing to do with your intrinsic value as a person. And let me tell you a secret: sometimes the people who feel the least competent turn out to be the absolute best in this area.

Here are 3 core philosophies and 5 key tactics to becoming awesome at networking events.

Core Philosophy 1: Make Other People Feel Welcome and Accepted

People are honestly not that complicated. When you go to an event or a meetup, do you find yourself awkwardly standing around, compulsively looking at your phone? Do you feel alone or uncomfortable? The truth is, nearly everyone else is feeling the same way. When it comes down to it, people want to feel welcomed and accepted. Why else do people gravitate towards the people they already know at these events? Few people really relish being awkward at these things.

Here’s the fun part: you can change that for someone else. Shift your thinking from how you are feeling to how others are feeling. How nice would it be if someone came up to you and just gave you a warm smile, said hello, and asked you a genuine question about yourself? You can be that person for someone!

Core Philosophy 2: Give First, then Give Some More

That leads us to the second core philosophy: come to these events with an attitude of giving. Instead of thinking (at worst) “Oh no, I hate these things” or (at best) “What can I get out of this?”, think instead: “What