When the story of how I landed a job at Airbnb went viral, I was surprised at how infatuated people were with my negotiations. Media stories portrayed me as some kind of master negotiator—a wily ex-poker-player who was able to con the tech giants into a lucrative job offer.

This is silly. It’s silly for a lot of reasons, but one of the main ones is that in reality, my negotiation skills are nothing special. There are lots of job candidates who are better negotiators than I, to speak nothing of recruiters and other professional negotiators.

It just so happens that most people don’t negotiate at all, or if they do, they just negotiate just enough to satisfy themselves that they did.

Worse yet, most of the advice out there on negotiation is borderline useless. Almost anything you read on the subject will be a vague and long-winded exhortation to “make sure you negotiate” and “never say the first number.” Beyond those two morsels of advice, you’re pretty much on your own.

I thought to myself: why is there so little actionable advice out there about negotiation? I suspect it’s because deep down, many people believe that negotiation is inexplicable, that it’s something some people can do and others can’t, and that there’s no real way to break it down so anyone can learn it.

I say that’s bullshit. Negotiation is a skill that can be learned just like any other, and I don’t believe it’s particularly elusive or hard to understand. So I’m going to try to explain how anyone can do it.

Three caveats.

First: I’m not an expert. There are people who really are experts at this, and when my advice contradicts theirs, you should assume I’m wrong.

Second: negotiation is tricky to generalize about because it’s deeply intertwined with social dynamics and power. The appropriate advice for an Asian male in Silicon Valley may not be appropriate for a black woman in Birmingham, Alabama. Racial, sexual, and political dynamics accompany you to the negotiating table.

At the same time, I want to caution against overemphasizing these factors. Being afraid to negotiate out of fear of discrimination can often be just as deleterious as discrimination itself.

Ceteris paribus, negotiate aggressively.

Third: I’m the first to admit that negotiation is stupid. It’s a practice that inherently benefits those who are good at it, and is an absurd axis on which to reward people. But it’s a reality of our economic system. And like most collective action problems, we’re probably not going to be able to abolish it any time soon. In which case, you might as well improve at it.

So here’s my guide to negotiation. It’s going to be split into two parts: this first part will be about conceptualizing the negotiating process, about how to begin the process and set yourself up for maximal success. The second part will be advice on the actual back-and-forth portion of negotiating and how to ask for what you want.

Let’s take it from the top.

What it means to “get a job”

In our culture we call entering the employment market “trying to get a job.” This is an unfortunate turn of phrase. “Getting a job” implies that jobs are a resource out in the world, and you’re attempting to secure one of these resources. But that’s completely backwards. What you are actually doing is selling your labor, and a company is bidding for it.

Employment is just striking a mutual deal in the labor market.

Like any market, the labor market only functions well if it’s competitive. This is the only way to ensure fair and equitable pricing. Imagine you were a farmer selling watermelons. Would you just sell your watermelons to the first buyer who agreed to purchase them? Or would you survey the marketplace of buyers, see the best price (and business partner) you could get, and then make an informed decision on which buyer to sell to?

And yet, when people talk about the labor market, they think “oh, a company wants to give me a job! What a relief!” As though having a job were in itself some special privilege for which a company is the gatekeeper.

Dispel yourself of this mindset.

A job is just a deal. It is a deal between you and a company to exchange labor for money (and other things you value).

This might sound like an abstract point, but you should absolutely approach negotiation from this perspective.

The role of negotiation

Negotiating is a natural and expected part of the process of trying to make a deal. It’s also a signal of competence and seriousness. Companies generally respect candidates who negotiate, and most highly attractive candidates negotiate (if for no other reason, because they often have too many options to choose from).

At the risk of spouting truisms: always, always negotiate. Doesn’t matter how good or bad you think you are. You never damage a relationship by negotiating.

In all my time as an instructor at App Academy, out of hundreds of offers negotiated, only once or twice were offers ever rescinded in negotiations. It basically never happens. And when it does, usually the candidate was being an unconscionable asshole, or the company was imploding and needed an excuse to rescind the offer.

You might think to yourself: “well, I don’t want to set high expectations, and the offer is already generous, so I ought to just take it.“

No. Negotiate.

Or maybe: “I don’t want to start off on the wrong foot and look greedy with my future employer.“

No. Negotiate.

“But this company is small and—“

No. Shut up. Negotiate.

We’ll talk more in the next section about why a lot of these objections are bullshit, and fundamentally misapprehend the dynamics of hiring. But for now, just trust me that you should always negotiate.

The ten rules of negotiating

I’ve tried to boil down negotiation to ten rules. The rules, in order of appearance, are:

1. Get everything in writing
2. Always keep the door open
3. Information is power
4. Always be positive
5. Don’t be the decision maker
6. Have alternatives
7. Proclaim reasons for everything
8. Be motivated by more than just money
9. Understand what they value
10. Be winnable

We’ll only get through some of these in this blog post, and the rest will appear in the second part. But I’ll explain each rule as we get to it.

So let’s start from the top and try to walk through a negotiation process from the very beginning. For most, that starts when you receive an offer.

The offer conversation

You’ve just received the phone call: your interview went well, and after much deliberation they decided they like you. They want to make you an offer. Congratulations!

Don’t get too excited though. The fun is just getting started.

Thank your recruiter. Sound excited—hopefully this won’t be hard. Before jumping into details, try to ask for specific feedback on your interview performance. If they give it to you, this will help you gauge how much they want you, as well as tell you things you can improve on in your next interview(s).

Now time to explore the offer.

Rule #1 of negotiating: have everything in writing.

Eventually, they’ll give you information about the offer. Write it all down. Doesn’t matter if they’re going to send you a written version later, write everything down. Even if there are things that are not directly monetary, if they relate to the job, write them down. If they tell you “we’re working on porting the front-end to Angular,” write that down. If they say they have 20 employees, write that down. You want as much information as you can. You’ll forget a lot of this stuff, and it’s going to be important in informing your final decision.

Depending on the company, they’ll also tell you about the equity package. We’ll look more specifically at equity in part II, but be sure to write everything down.

The rule from here on out is that everything significant you discuss will have some kind of a paper trail. Often, the company won’t even send you an official