While doing research for a book I was writing, I interviewed high school-aged boys to discover who they turned to for emotional support. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t their parents. “My parents, especially my father, always tell me that I need to learn to handle problems on my own,” George, then a high school junior, told me. Six months before we talked, he had attempted suicide when his girlfriend ended their relationship and he felt incapable of handling the situation on his own.

American males of every age, race and income level are lost and bewildered, angry and scared. Sobering new statistics suggest that when we set young men like George adrift too early, they sink instead of floating. That shouldn’t be surprising. They receive very mixed messages: Men are too soft. Men are toxic. But one thing is clear: traditional tropes of masculinity — the tough guy who swallows his feelings and solves his own problems — no longer serve boys, men or the rest of us.

Since the late-1970s, research has shown that infant boys are more sensitive. They experience more negative emotions and need more support. But according to psychologist Edward Tronick, a groundbreaking researcher in infant-mother relationships, many parents respond by withholding support.

Why do they do this? Mostly because they simply aren’t aware of boys’ greater need for what Tronick calls “emotional scaffolding.” In fact, many of them still operate from a dusty playbook on masculinity that tells them to toughen up their sons. “The manning-up of boys begins in the cradle,” says Tronick. Fathers and mothers use far more emotionally rich language with toddler-aged daughters than sons, for instance. Fathers are also more likely to sing to and soothe their toddler daughters at night when they cry.

My own research and work with boys has taught me that the more we ignore their deeper