Parent: Why didn’t you do the dishes today?
You: I did the dishes yesterday!
These words were the start of a few hundred arguments that I’ve had. Instead of an MBA, I’ve spent much of my life getting a degree in arguing with my mom.
But why were these words the start of an argument?
In this article, I’m going to use this conversation, line by line, to explain why communication with your parents is so hard. I won’t waste time discussing cheap tips and tricks that don’t work.
When your mom or dad is speaking in Chinese/Hindi/any other language, you know that it needs to be translated. What’s less obvious is that when a conversation becomes heated or emotional, even if you understand the words, they also need to be translated, but in a totally different way.
Most definitions of “active listening” suck. It’s not about eye contact or nodding your head while the other person talks. It’s about translating so you hear what they’re actually trying to say, rather than what your cartoon version of them is saying. It’s about developing a mental model of what’s going on in their head and your head during your conversation, instead of being stuck in your automatic reactions.
When your parents ask “why didn’t you do the dishes today?”, it’s not just one message — it’s 3 different messages.
1. What they are trying to say (intent)
2. What they actually say (actual words)
3. What you hear (interpretation)
Let’s translate what your parents say in the example of the dishes.
And when you reply with “I did the dishes yesterday!”, it’s also not just one message — it’s 3 different messages.
4. What you’re trying to say (intent)
5. What you actually say (actual words)
6. What they hear (interpretation)
This is what I’m calling the Asian parent translation. Translating is remembering that what your parents are trying to say is very different from what they actually say. Translating is listening for what they’re trying to say about themselves, instead of what you hear them saying about you.
“Empathetic communication” was not a section on my mom’s university entrance exam, because she’s obviously never been forced to study it. If the only way she knows how to express her feelings is via accusatory questions, then the only reasonable option for me is to learn how to translate what she was saying.
Translating these exchanges is not easy, even on paper. It’s even harder to do in a tense conversation. Fortunately, it’s still way easier than Japanese, which many of you masochists insist on learning.
Your parents probably suck at communicating. I’m guessing you knew that.
Meanwhile, you might be a reasonably good communicator, but
