It’s Saturday, March 5th 2022 and I can’t help myself, so here’s an edited and revised version of an imaginary conversation I had earlier this week1:
Enjoy!
About ten years ago:
bank: hey, you can get digital statements now, wanna go paperless?
you: hey awesome great
Years pass:
you: hm, I need that statement from 2016
bank: we deleted it
you: are you fucking kidding me
bank: yeah we deleted it
you: you… you deleted the statement from 2016
bank: uh huh yep
you: but it was a digital statement
bank: so?
you: it was a pdf
bank: and?
you: but I still need it
bank: ok well let us think about it–
you: you put me on fucking hold
bank: ok we got you
you: this better be good
bank: ok, send us a letter or call up our call center but not our regular call center, a special call center, and we’ll send you a copy in the mail and maybe charge you for it, and it’ll arrive whenever, you know. hope it’s not urgent
you: fucking computers and fucking businesses
Time passes. Later, but also maybe just the next day:
you: hey bank, I wanna pay someone
bank: awesome! we love paying someone. have you tried using our new bill pay feature?
you: I guess? Is it some new third party service you use that half works?
bank: try our new bill pay feature!
you: ok, I guess I’ll try your new bill pay feature
Tries to make a payment. It fails.
you: well that didn’t work
While trying to make a payment again
you: ok, still not working. way to completely meet my already low expectations, bank.
While trying to fuzz the payment amount (Fuzzing a payment amount would be trying different payment amounts to see if the failure is related to the input provided):
you: ok got it, there’s an undeclared, private limit to the amount you can trans-
bank: we’ve frozen your bill pay feature, please call customer service
you: fffffffff
Shortly, while calling customer service:
you: hi, is this bank customer service?
customer service agent: no, this is not bank customer service, this is third party bill pay service that bank uses but you can totally trust us
you: of course it is
customer service agent: what can we help you with?
you: well firstly it’s your terrible business processes and how you’ve implemented them in software and the design of those workflows which clearly have never gone through any appreciable user testing and instead have implemented, by checkbox, “is it technically possible, if someone spends enough time, and understands the arcane uncommunicated rules, for someone to arrange the transfer of money from one account, to another”, and also your content design of course, an-
customer service agent: sir, this isn’t a wendy’s you want the other thread
you: ok I tried to make a payment and I assume I hit a limit you never told me about, please change it
customer service agent: ok great to raise your limit you need to talk to your bank
you: of course I do
yes, I can’t do that for you, you need to talk to your bank
you: you do know your bill pay service gave me this number to call
A pause for a long, painful sigh:
you: yes of course I need to call my fucking bank. I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you. It’s just that all of us have so little agency in this world now. It’s exhausting. Would you like to join me in screaming at the voi-
customer service agent: would you be able to participate in a customer satisfaction survey to provide feedback on how we did after this call?
you: if I don’t give you a good rating in this survey will you get fired?
customer service agent: yes
you: ok yes, I will participate in a customer satisfaction survey to provide feedback on how you did after this call and also fuck your employer and fuck how business works
customer service agent: thank you, you have a great day now
you: I’m sorry
Next, calling your bank:
bank customer service agent: hello, this is bank!
you: you’d better fucking fix this
bank customer service agent: sorry what
you: ok well, the entire economic system underpinning western hegemony, the inability of “business” to prioritize long-term stability over
